“We thought that we had the answers, it was the questions we had wrong.”
What happens when beliefs from an external belief system begin to collide with reality?
What happens when external beliefs fail you?
Milestone 2
Milestone 2 on the belief journey is the Crossroads.
The Crossroads for belief systems occurs when external belief systems begin to fail you. ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ becomes counterproductive when you need to interview for a job.
Religious beliefs may be questioned. You may find that the religious beliefs you were taught fail you when you face the death of a college classmate. Or your classmates discuss different religious beliefs and you find that you begin wondering about your own religious beliefs.
Political beliefs may be questioned. Your family may have always participated in one political party, and you discover that you no longer align with those political beliefs. You may discover that no political party’s beliefs align with your beliefs regarding social and economic policies.
The Crossroads may be a time of external belief systems bumping into your own, sometimes newly discovered, internal beliefs. The Crossroads can be a time when beliefs, not just bump into each other, but collide. It may even feel like a multi-car collision.
When one belief from an external source is questioned, then all beliefs from that external source may now be questioned. This may feel like a multi car pileup with one car (belief) after another colliding with each other.
When in the Crossroads, we begin to see shades of gray. Due to the growing dissatisfaction with the outcomes of external rules, we begin to question the rules passed down. We experience a growing dissatisfaction from ignoring our internal needs and views. We begin to see different perspectives.
Here is a true story:
Standing in front of a large audience, a gentleman held up a single golf ball. He asked the audience: ‘What color is this golf ball?
A few people replied, ‘White.’
He asked ‘Are you sure?’
More people replied this time, ‘Yes!’
‘What color is this golf ball?’ he asked again.
‘White!’ the audience replied, clearly growing annoyed with the repeated questioning about an obvious fact.
‘Are you absolutely sure?’ he questioned.
The audience was now shouting, ‘YES!’
Then the gentleman turned the golf ball around to reveal that the other side of the golf ball was black.
A group of people absolutely convinced the golf ball was white now had to question their beliefs about many, many things they thought they knew. This is the hallmark of the Crossroads.
As mentioned earlier, Margolda’s study of college students found that most freshmen in college relied upon belief systems provided by external sources, such as family, friends, churches, and teachers.
Can you guess the average age before the college students reached the Crossroads and began to fashion their own internal belief systems, designed by themselves? Sophomore? Junior? Senior?
Guess again. in the study, the average age before the college student reached the Crossroads was 32. Thirty-two years old.
REFLECTION
The Crossroads may be a time of inner conflict as your ‘inner knowing’ is refined. As external belief systems begin to fail you, you may begin a journey of refining your inner knowing by self-reflection.
Try this reflection for at least the next 24 hours. Ask yourself the following questions:
‘What do I believe?’
‘Why do I believe this?’
After you answer, ask yourself again: ‘Why?’
After you answer that question, then ask yourself yet again: ‘Why?’
If you keep asking the What and Why questions, eventually this process of self-reflection increases your awareness and brings you to greater inner knowing.
EMBRACING THE CROSSROADS
The crossroads can be a time of inner and outer disharmony. External belief systems may begin to conflict, such as what your family believes versus your college professors, or what your friends believe versus what your family believes.
The Crossroads can be a time of confusion. Should you return to the safety of eternal rules or forge ahead into uncertain answers. Should you view the world the same as family and friends or rely upon yourself to assess situations and issues.
The Crossroads may be such an uncomfortable place for some that they self-sabotage so they can return to the familiar Vessel. An extreme illustration of this is when a college student, newly exposed to diverse perspectives, begins questioning their family's long-held beliefs. In such a scenario, they may intentionally sabotage their academic progress by missing classes and failing exams, ultimately leading to a decision to discontinue their college education and return to the comfort of their family home.
Consider this example: A daughter fiercely defended her father, standing by his side with unwavering passion, no matter what anyone else said. Yet, one day, she was overcome by emotions, breaking down in tears and sobbing uncontrollably. Amidst her sobs, the words burst forth: ‘I knew he lied to others. I just didn't know he lied to ME.’ It was a profound collision of belief and reality.
Belief collisions can lead to a period of grieving, as individuals grapple with the loss of their previous convictions. It's the recognition that they can no longer hold on to what they believed before.
The bright side is this: Isn't it better to confront the collision between beliefs and reality than to pretend those beliefs are still true, inviting even more pain?
People's journeys through the Crossroads vary.
Some may repeatedly contemplate returning to being a Vessel for external beliefs. It may feel like the easy way out is to let someone else tell us what to believe. Then we don’t have to do the hard work of deciding what to believe.
Some find themselves stalled in the Crossroads, repeating, ‘I don't know what to believe. I don’t know what to believe anymore.’
Others move through the Crossroads at a lightning pace, like swiftly ripping off a bandage, ‘If I'm going to figure things out for myself, I might as well get started now!’
And then there are those who prefer to peel off the bandage slowly, taking tiny, measured steps in an effort to minimize the pain.
The pivotal realization is that once you recognize you're at the Crossroads, embrace it. Celebrate this monumental milestone.
REFLECTION
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your beliefs collided with someone else's beliefs?
Have your beliefs come into conflict with an external belief system, and you felt the weight of that external system?
Have you ever felt a collision within, where one of your beliefs intersected with another one of your beliefs?