“Doubt everything. Find your own light. ”
What is self-authorship or self-determination? It’s the idea that someone takes an active role in shaping their own beliefs.
Self-Authorship is having confidence in one’s ability to figure it out for themselves, rather than relying on others to figure it out for them. You’ve got this! It is having the confidence to disagree and not assume that you are wrong because your perspective differs from that of family and friends.
It is viewing family and friends and external belief sources as a source of support, but not restraints that bind you into believing what you are told to believe.
Milestone 3
When you reach the state of inner knowing, when you rely upon your inner knowing with conviction and without judging other’s belief systems, you have designed your own internal belief system.
If you find yourself arguing vehemently the merits of your beliefs versus parents, friends, religion, or professors, you probably have not reached the state of relying upon your inner belief system.
When you reach the state of inner knowing, there is no need to argue—because you know what is True—for you. Vehement arguments are the hallmark of the crossroads—where struggle and conflict are part of the process of defining your Truth.
When we reach this phase, we realize there are many different vantage points. We are able to take a holistic view. We can see and analyze multiple perspectives and arrive at our own conclusions. We have confidence so that when we have a different opinion than an expert or authority figure, we do not immediately assume that we are wrong.
Margolda called this part of the journey: Self-Authorship. We have journeyed to a place of internally authored sense of identify and belief systems.
In this milestone, external rules are not necessarily viewed as bad. Many belief systems arose out of a need for order. You can think of it as ‘borrowing’ rules from external sources until you have an opportunity to develop your own. When you reach the last phase, the pinnacle, you now have the perspective to see if the external rules are a good fit for you. It may be they are, but now, you have adopted them, not because they were imposed, but because you have chosen them because they are consistent and harmonious with your inner knowing.
External sources of rules also can provide us with guidance when we have limited knowledge, such as cultural customs. For example, when you are in France at a business dinner, you wait until at least the dessert course to bring up the subject of business in conversation. It may not be that you believe in the custom; however, it simply may be a core value for you to honor and respect other cultures, and the custom is honored while you are in that culture.
RELFECTION
Reflect upon the following questions:
What if you move through the crossroads, yet your family is still in an external belief system? Now what happens? What are family dinners like?
Have you ever found yourself 'knocked down' as a result of your shift towards internal beliefs, leaving behind previously held external belief systems?
KNOCKING DOWN
Sometimes an individual shows great promise in creating their own internal belief system. Their life goes into overdrive and they reach new heights in their personal and professional life.
But instead of their family and friends rejoicing in their success, they start knocking down the individual. Knocking down is an attempt by family and friends to keep the individaul from excelling. They ridicule and belittle at every opportunity. Often, the individual takes it very personally. Why wouldn’t their own family be supportive?
This can be extremely confusing for the individual being knocked down—unless they fully understand the dynamics in play.
The family and friends may use knocking down in an attempt to avoid feelings of insecurity and inferiority on their part.
The message is loud and clear: if you want to be part of this family or group of friends, you will not do too well or be too much better, smarter, or richer than we are if you expect to be accepted by us.
The individual has several coping options for knocking down.
Self-sabatoge. In order to not be too successful, self-sabotage so you can still belong. For example, someone gets a big promotion with a large salary increase. Then that person becomes a spendthrift, sabotaging their financial stability.
Reverting back when in the company of family and friends. Regress back to the Vessel when visiting home. For example, one individual found that he had grown up dropping the ‘g’ on the end of his words. When he became a successful professional, this was pointed out to him and we worked to correct this. However, when he returned home, his family made fun of his fancy way of speaking and quickly knocked him down. After that, he found it easier to start dropping ‘g’ on the end of his words when he returned home.
Be secure in who you are and maintain a sense of humor and compassion. Reaching the third milestone of self-authorship empowers us to be secure in our identity. It's a stage where we've discovered our own light and are no longer bound by the need to conform to others' expectations. With this newfound confidence, we can maintain a sense of humor about ourselves and extend compassion to others.
When we have found our own light, we recognize that while coping mechanisms may temporarily shield us from discomfort, true growth and self-authorship lie in embracing our unique path with all its ups and downs. It's in this journey that we find our own light and the freedom to be our authentic selves while fostering understanding and empathy for those around us.
LIFTING UP
While some family and friends may use ‘knocking down’ in an attempt to make themselves feel better at your expense, there is another phenomenon related to beliefs that is ‘lifting up'.
Lifting up occurs when an external belief source, such as family, friends, or colleagues, actually nurture and encourage self-authorship and self exploration of beliefs. Lifting up makes the belief journey easier for those fortunate enough to experience it.
For example, parents who encourage their children to question and debate various topics at the dinner table. With gentle guidance, the children learn to analyze and question what they believe and why. Sometimes parents may even assign roles for the children to debate in order to learn how to look for flaws in anothers’ arguments.
Another example is the culture in a particular enterprise that encouraged free wielding debate of beliefs and positions. One day, two colleagues had a heated debate about new products to offer customers, with one colleague strongly arguing for Product X and the other colleague vehemently arguing for Product Y.
Afterward, the colleague arguing for Y was asked, ‘Do you truly believe Y is the better approach for the company?’
His answer was: ‘Of course not!’
He was then asked, ‘But why did you just argue vehemently for Product Y?’
His insightful response was, ‘Why? Because I needed to see if there were any flaws in my colleague’s support for product X. So I debated it thoroughly with him. I didn’t find any flaws in his position, so I am now comfortable with Product X. I already knew the flaws in Product Y. This is a process we find valuable. It is better if we thoroughly explore weaknesses before we start selling a product to our customers, as opposed to waiting for the customer to point out the negatives.'
So while knocking down is used to pressure an individual to continue to abide by an external source of beliefs, lifting up is the process of encouraging and honoring the self exploration of beliefs. Lifting up can empower us to not only author our own beliefs but also to engage in meaningful and insightful dialogues with others in the pursuit of internal sources of beliefs.
REFLECTION
The state of inner knowing is one of those rare occurrences that you know it when you reach it, but it is virtually impossible to fully describe to someone else. Let’s return to the following simple analogy when we started our belief journey that best illustrates this.
When we are in the valley of external rules, all we can see is the valley, so we assume that is all that exists. Then we stumble upon a crossroad, one that leads out of the valley. We have to decide whether to return to the valley of rules or venture forth. A glimpse of a mountainside in the distance draws us to begin climbing the mountain that lies before us. If we are fortunate, we reach the mountaintop to find our own light of self-authorship. We now see the same valley, but from the mountaintop. Not only does the valley look very different when seen from the mountaintop, but we can see there is much more to the world than just the valley—many vistas and perspectives, including a vast sea.
Identify where you are in the belief journey. Are you in the Valley, at the Crossroads, or on the Mountaintop?